I feel so torn between being wanting to help him and just letting him go. Can't he see how this fighting is affecting me? Does think that he is the only one suffering? I know he needs help. I want to be that one to help him. I can't do it alone though. He needs professional help, just like I do. Sometimes I feel so uncontrollably sad. I've said this many times before...it feels like I'm in a hole that I can't climb out of. I just don't know what to do. This might be unhealthy for both of us...but I just can't let you go, babe.  Sometimes I think that, although maybe for the slightest second...maybe, just maybe we aren't meant to be together. I have tried really hard to make this work. I was the one chasing him..."baby...come back...I didn't mean to...::voice trails off:: "..."I'm sorry baby...please don't do this...." I'm tired of running. I'm tired of chasing. I'm just so very tired...Our relationship started so rocky...over time it smoothed out a little. No relationship is without work. We all know it. I have shed so many "unnecessary" tears. It's like he doesn't even care that his actions are making me cry.   Sometimes he gets really defensive for small things. I don't know. I want to believe that we can make it but right now...I just don't know. I am far too emotional to be going through all of this right now. My intuition is telling me, "Let go...he needs you more than you need him. He has issues, Vic. You can't save this one. You can't help him..." Every time we fight me pull away more and more...They say people don't change. But what about me? I have changed so much recently. I have put someone else's needs before my own...without even wondering why. Maybe one day he'll realize that he had someone good. I was that someone who was willing to put up with his faults and love him unconditionally.  I just can't have you breaking me down anymore Danny. I needed you to help build me up. And last night you tore me down. I have told you this before; your anger will be your demise. I may have smacked you (because you took things...my cell phone, my keys…) ::in the words of Daniel:: but you made me do it.  You made me mad, and your childishness caused me to act childish as well. Sound familiar ? You will probably say no because you don’t think that anything you do is bad as the things I do. You don’t see yourself being aggressive. You see me fighting back. Maybe you aren’t use to someone talking back to you. Maybe you aren’t used to someone being just as aggressive as you are. All I want is for you to get help. For you to see that there is something wrong with you being this angry. I don’t know what else to do.

Currently Listening Ocean Avenue By Yellowcard Only One see related

*Puts finger to lips in thought* Hmmmm....

Hmmm, well here I am at work waiting for the time when I can clock out and go home. Well not go home. I have to go to Danny's program with him. I usually wait outside, napping in the car while he's in the program. Sometimes I drive around the vicinity, mostly to the art store. I love it there. Its fun.  I've been on such a rollercoaster ride the past few days..I feel like Im going insane. I have lost all control over my emotions. One minute Im fine and then the next Im balling my eyes out. I don't know what to do with myself. Im sure Danny is like .  He can't understand what Im going thru. He just thinks Im crazy. He called me crazy yesterday and it made me so mad because I knew I was acting crazy. Its hard to be in my mind going thru all the crazy rollercoaster rides. On top of that my tits have been killing me recently. They have been sore as all hell recently. It hurts even when Danny touches them . *SIGH* oh wizzle. I get so insecure and that drives me nuts too. When he doesn't pick up the phone for whatever reason Im just like...what is he doing ? why isnt he picking up the phone? Is he somewhere he's isn't supposed to be ? *shrugs shoulders* I just don't know...

Currently Listening Fearless By Jazmine Sullivan I need you bad... see related

10/22/2008     

How is it possible that someone could be...mean. Now is my chance to say all the things that have been burning a hole in my chest...I can't take this anymore. I’m so tired of all the hoops that I have to jump thru. It is absurd. I am such a good girl. I guess I just have to stop changing. I have always wanted people to like me...How has that faired so far? Unfortunately...I have not been doing so well. Last night I just wanted to give up. Now...I am so shaken up about everything that I'm in a state indescribable. How is it that I can love him so much when he can't even control himself. I completely understand that I make him angry sometimes...for the most part I make a lot of people angry. I don't do it on purpose. It just kind of happens no matter what I do. I wish I could just run away from all this.  I hate it. Part of me is saying "He wants you to break up with him. He feels bad for you...” and the other part says "He loves you. He said so. He wouldn't say something he doesn't mean...right? Of course not. Stop making him mad and it'll be perfect..." I feel like we are both stuck in the same cycles our parents were in...Abusive man and suffering woman...that first night we both went out should have been an indication of what is to be...I could feel history repeating itself. I could see my mom in myself and some of my dad in Danny...it makes me sick to think that I could have fallen into the same relationship that I had always strived to avoid.  *sigh* I keep thinking that after each fight, ending with me pleading for him to stay, that things will change. They get better for a couple of days...or until he finds something else that gets him mad. And like he says, there's no middle ground when it comes to him being mad. He goes from okay to terribly angry in no time flat. He just kind of explodes. And I'm left looking like "What just happened?"  I just don’t know. He says I don’t love him. Does he know that I would never let anyone else be this way with me? To allow someone to drive off without me, regardless if they were going come back or not? To have myself crying in public, making a fool of myself? To have be begging someone to come and be with me. I used to be such a hard-ass…to be begging someone to stay with me? My former self would have kicked my ass for even thinking it. *Sigh* How can he not see my true feelings for him? I don’t know what else to do? Man, even with the little…ok, big, anger issue I still look at him like my king. My Lion King. All I want is to be his queen…for what is a king without a queen? I fear that if I were to walk away that I wouldn’t know what to do with myself. He is my and I can’t live without my heart. To be in his arms is true bliss. It just feels like im supposed to be there…it feels oh so right . I don’t know what it is… it feels like history repeating itself. Except this time I want to break the cycle. I don’t want to keep living like this . I want to be happy…with him. And if I have to drag him to therapy then I will …because all I want is to be with him. And I have to find a way for him to see that without compromising me...because...

I love him.

Currently Listening The First Lady By Faith Evans Tru Love see related

10/20/2008

OMGooseness! Has it been 4 months already? It feels like time is flying by...Lol. At first I really couldn't stand his bad-ass attitude. Now...*shrugs shoulders*...I have come to love the kid. Lol. We have our disagreement but mighty funny that I can't see myself without him. He makes me smile until my cheeks hurt...laugh until I'm wheezing. Crazy how someone can affect your life in such a significant way in such a short amount of time...